Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Tears over my craisins.....

My baby boy Ethan is at home sick today! :( He has a fever of over 100 degrees! And I am at work! It was very hard for me to leave him and as each day goes on it gets harder and harder! My husband stayed home with him today, He is such a wonderful man! I just am really having a hard time justifying being at work. My heart is at home with my son and it took coming back to work and being away from him to realize that.

So, I have been thinking lately and (which is something I have a lot of time to do) I have been wanting to find more friends (girl friends) I feel like this hopeless wreck some days. Like the reason why I don't have any friends is my fault! I mean I must just be the rude and obnoxious person. And I am not trying to pull and oh whoa is me card I'm really not, but it is just depressing to not have any friends no one I am close with no one I can call up and say hey and just talk a fellow believer who I can hang out with! It's just hard living life feeling so disconnected from human beings. I mean think about it. If you yourself had no one other then your husband to talk to about things going on in your life no one to call up and have a girls day with. No one to do those silly girl things we all tend to do from time to time, wouldn't you yourself feel a tad bit depressed about that? I just don't know what to do to put myself out there anymore then I already am? Is it my personality? Am I really this horrible person? I am open to suggestion's of things I might need to change in my life! This is one thing I pray about everyday, I pray God to give me true genuine friends, and yes I know it's his timing not mine but it is so very hard to wait.

Conflict, This is something I try and have always tried to avoid in my life! I hate arguing, I hate yelling, and I hate getting so upset that I cry! I spent a lot of time in my last relationship crying, screaming, yelling, using words that I shouldn't have. Back then it was always about him hurting me and then I turned into this person that if I didn't hurt him back just as much if not more as he was hurting me then I wasn't doing my job! Doesn't that sound just awful? I mean who wants to live their life like that? Who wants to wake up and know that at some point in the day you are going to fight and it wasn't always words, it was throwing, or grabbing rather strongly, or pushing. I became someone I hated. Maybe that is why I can't make friends? Maybe I am still this scared little girl? Jon and I had a fight awhile back and I caught myself saying things that I knew would hurt him! I really hate that about myself. I have been praying that God will help me with this anger, with this bitterness! A lot of people don't know what it is like to feel bitter and angry and hopeless! And I am so very glad they don't being away from God like that and feeling empty is not something I am ever going back to. Yes granted I do still have my depressing moments, I know that God still has my back and that he will take care of me!

Austin, I had a nice long cry Sunday night while I was holding Ethan! I looked at him and started thinking about Austin and how I hate the fact that I get to hold love and kiss on Ethan whenever I want, and I can't do that to Austin! I can't call his name and hear his footsteps as he runs down the hall everyday. I can't know what is happening to him when he is not with me! To me that makes me scared and sad! I feel like a piece of me is missing when he is not near me! And God is really working on this with me and giving me peace, but it is still hard! I raised him and spent almost all my time with him! His dad wanted really no part of him when he was younger. He didn't want to take care of him or feed him or change his diapers. I did all of that! And now because he is older and funnier as he would say he wants half of his time! It just doesn't seem fair!

Sometimes when I am at Church I feel like people are disgusted by the fact that I got married at 16 and had a baby at 17! I feel like they judge me by my past and what I have done instead of getting to know the person I am?!?!


haley shumway said...

Girl!!! I am offended. You know you can call me I am always ready to talk. You know I totally want to plan a really fun girls night soon have any ideas? You make sure you call me whenever you want okay? I love you and wish you lived closer but you can always just pop by if you are in naples!

Sugarbutt said...

I'm sorry Haley I didn't mean to offend you. I guess I just don't want to burden you. But now that I know I wont be of course I will call and text you!