So I have thought a lot about the New Year and making resolutions and here's what I've come up with....
I have always prided myself on being someone who is real, someone who doesn't sugar coat things, someone who is full of compassion... Well I find that I am not always being this person. I find that I am trapped inside myself (if this makes any sense, please bare with me) I feel like there is so much more I can be, so much more I can do, but I am stuck. Stuck here in this place unable to move forward or back... I have thought a lot about this over the years. Thinking why can't I open up, why can't I let it go. And well I still don't have the complete answer there. But what I have learned is that because of my life (from birth up until 4 to 5 years ago) I am stuck. I didn't grow up with love or compassion, in fact my life lacked pretty much any light! My mother was a hard worker and ALWAYS worked to provide for me to make sure I had a life that she never did and I'm grateful for that in a way. But while she was concentrating all her time on school and work she had no time for me. She would rarely sit down and just play with me. I was a mistake in her eyes, some responsibility that she had to live with. She never really loved me the way a child should be loved. And all of this hindered me. I couldn't love because I wasn't loved. I started randomly dating boys when I was 14. I would do anything to just feel something, anything from someone else. A year later I had sex (something I am not proud of) and then when I was 16 I got pregnant. This was extremely scary for me. I was then pressured into marring my Ex husband. It was a pretty bad marriage. The day I gave birth to Austin was special, yes I was a scared 17 year old girl but I had this sudden feel of love fill me. I had someone to love who would whole heartily love me back! Someone who would look to me for guidance. I had a chance to break my cycle. I was married to my Ex husband for 5 years. And besides having Austin I would have to say that was probably the worst 5 years of my life. My ex would get drunk a lot. He would physically and mentally abuse me. I was a scared women. I was the weakest I had ever been. I was scared to leave and scared to stay. Finally one day after 5 years I had, had enough. It was the straw that broke the camels back. I told him to leave and never come back. He tried to convince me that he could be the man I needed but after 5 years. I couldn't repair that bridge. It was shattered into a million pieces. Of course I was no Angel in this whole marriage. I cheated on my ex several times with the same man. I realized what I had done was wrong but again I just wanted someone to care about me. So we went our separate ways....
And then I met Jon, someone who loved me, I mean really LOVED me. I couldn't believe that men like him actually existed. It was too good to be true. We had a great but sometimes bumpy relationship and we haven't had the perfect marriage but we work at it everyday! I could sing praises about my husband and two amazing boys all day long, but I think you get the picture. My life isn't great nor perfect, but it's a blessing to me. Because it is a life that is filled with God's never-ending love. A love that I think I am finally starting to understand. A love that I don't deserve. And having Jon and the boys around make it that much better. I don't deserve them or the life I have but I am blessed and humbled that God would give me three such amazingly awesome guys!
I guess what my point is, is that I have a lot of baggage. Some that I am ashamed of, oh heck a lot that I am ashamed of! I think it is time that I seek some Godly council. Someone that may help me unlock my inner demons, someone that can help me face all the hurt, pain, and suffering, and can turn it into something that I can use to bring glory to God in the highest. And my thoughts are that in turn if I can release this pain, guilt, suffering, then I may even be able to become a better person for my husband and for our boys! And someone more equip to bring forth God's word someone who can reflect it and someone who can help my mom and sister see that this is a life worth living a life full of love, a life where your never alone!
The reason why I tell you this isn't because I want pity, it is because I want to keep myself accountable. And I also want to be a person who is real, a blogger who is real. So this is me folks. I have baggage, I need some help to sort out my baggage. And I'm not afraid to admit it.
So that is one of my New Years resolutions.
Some others are:
I want to be a patient person. Slow to anger and quick to apoligize. I want to make my family proud. I want to be a mother and wife who was known for my compassion. I don't want to set these unattianable goals, and I don't want my family to think they can't live up to my expectations. And for that reason I am not having any expectations. I will set ground rules you know, Love God, work hard, have fun, clean your rooms, and so on.
I want to read my bible everyday. But like Jamin said (My pastor at Church) I don't just want to read the word but I want the word to dwell in me. I want God to do a mighty work in me. I want it to soak it in and dwell!
This is my prayer, these are what I desire! I have a feeling 2011 is going to be an amazing year. Not one without speed bumps, I'm expecting those. But one with more love, understanding, and PEACE! I can finally say that I believe whole heartily that my life will have peace and balance.
So I am wishing you all a properous and Happy New Year. I pray that you all will come closer in your relationships with God or that you will come into a relationship with God! Either way I pray that this will be a year centered on the One who truly matters!
Grace at Home No. 282
2 days ago